Artistic Discoveries in European Schoolyards

Characters
Jack – 13 years old
Daniel – 13 years old
Holly – 13 years old

Location
The small stage of a run-down comedy club. It could be a real comedy club or a school hall. It doesn’t matter.

Notes
The three characters play out a moment in their real lives as though they were part of a stand-up comedy act playing to a live audience. The act and the reality are woven together – sometimes they forget the audience are there.
The five separate segments may either be played together as one piece or interspersed amongst other unrelated material. It is however one narrative, revealed bit by bit in the five segments.

SCENE 1
Showbizzy intro music – maybe it’s a big band build up, maybe it’s a crappy portable organ intro. Jack takes it completely seriously as though he was headlining at the coolest comedy club in town.
Jack runs on to the stage and grabs the microphone. He wears a sparkly jacket, too big for him, over his school shirt and trousers and tie. He carries a skateboard as his comedy prop. He hams up the role of the stand up comic – just like over-the-top, overconfident guys he’s seen on tv.
Jack
Hey, hey, hey, thank you, thank you, thank you! It’s a real pleasure to be here with you tonight in Pilsen and a real pleasure to share with you the comedy spectacular that is “The Jack and Daniel Comedy Spectacular”. The first time we appeared at our school Christmas show, the headmaster called us “two thirteen year old boys who think they’re very funny” and I’m sure you’ll agree when you hear all the cool jokes we’ve got for you. So on with the show. I’m Jack and I’d like to introduce you to my best mate and spectacular comedy partner, Daniel! Come on ladies and gentlemen, let’s have a big Pilsen round of applause for Daniel!

Jack claps and whoops wildly. Daniel enters wearing a very bad long, blonde wig and his school jumper stuffed up his shirt for tits. He’s not happy.

Or maybe I should say – Daniella?

Jack pretends to be confused.

Hey, best comedy mate, why are you dressed up as a girl?

Daniel
Because you told me to.

Jack
Shut up! You’re not supposed to say that. You’re supposed to say “because tonight we’re going to be doing the Jack and Daniel Spectacular Comedy Guide to Girls.”

Daniel
Oh yeah.

Jack
So go on then, say it.

Daniel without expression
Ladies and gentlemen, tonight we’re going to be doing the Jack and Daniel Spectacular Comedy Guide to Girls.

To Jack

I feel like a dick.

Jack
You can’t say that! No swearing and no jokes about private parts or we’ll get sent to the headmaster’s office again. Now ladies and gentlemen, with the help of my lovely assistant Daniella, I’m going to share with you some thoughts about what’s funny about girls and what’s not funny about girls, isn’t that right, Daniella?

Daniel
Why do I have to be the girl? Everybody’s going to laugh at me.

Jack
That’s kind of the point.

Daniel
But it’s stupid.

Jack
That’s right, Daniella! Because girls are totally stupid. So we’re going to be doing lots of jokes about handbags and nail varnish and make-up and boy bands and it’ll be really funny.

Daniel
If you say so.

Jack
And then I’ll hit you in the face with a skateboard.

Daniel
Why?

Jack
Because that’s comedy!

He claps his hands and snaps into a showbizzy pose with a big cheesy grin. Frozen he hisses at Daniel.

Fart!

Daniel
I don’t want to fart.

Jack
Just do it. They’ll love it.

Daniel
I’m going.

As he exits. Jack makes a farting noise with his tongue.

Haha! And that was my comedy best mate, Daniel, ladies and gentlemen. The funniest guy in the business.

Blackout

Scene 2

Jack runs on stage with the skateboard and grabs the microphone.

Jack
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to the Jack and Daniel Comedy Spectacular and more hilarious observations about the female of the species. Now me and Daniel know a lot about girls because he’s a got a sister and half the girls in our school are female. The first thing you have to understand about girls is they’re different to boys and I know this because when I tell jokes in class, most of the boys laugh, but none of the girls do. So that’s proof their brains are different. Also, they never laugh when somebody gets a skateboard smashed in their face and as soon as my comedy best mate Daniel turns up, we’ll do a demonstration to show you exactly how that works.

Daniel enters without the blonde wig and tits.

And here he is, my best mate and comedy partner, Daniel!

To Daniel

Where the hell have you been? I’m on my own out here.

Daniel
I got held up.

Jack
Well, never mind about that now. I was just telling the ladies and gentlemen all about the skateboard in the face gag, so now you’re here -

Daniel
I can’t stay. I just came to tell you.

Jack
What? But we’re in the middle of a show.

Daniel
I’ve got to see someone.

Jack
Who?

Daniel
Well, if you must know I’m walking home with Holly Bateson.

Jack
Holly Bateson is a girl.

Daniel
Yeah, that’s why they call her Holly.

Jack
But…Oh, I get it. You’re doing research for the act. Good idea, comedy partner. Hey you should video her.

Daniel
Why?

Jack
For the comedy research. You know like scientists do with rats.

Daniel
I don’t think she’d like that.

Jack
So just tell her your cousin’s a talent scout for a big modelling agency and he’s thinks she could be the next top model or something. Girls are suckers for that sort of thing.

Daniel
I don’t think she’d believe me.

Jack
Hmmm…you’ve got a point there. I mean she’s not exactly modelling material. She’s a got a mono-brow.

Daniel
No, she hasn’t.

Jack
Yeah, yeah, listen, we could do a whole set about her mono-brow. Oh yeah, that’ll be really funny. Like her eyes grew a moustache.

Daniel
I’m going now.

He exits.

Jack
Ladies and gentlemen, did you hear the joke about Holly Bateson – her eyes grew a moustache! And if you hit her in the face with a skateboard it would just bounce off because of her big hairy eyebrows. Hey, Daniel, did you hear about Holly Bateson? She’s got a new job at the zoo as a part-time gorilla.

He turns and sees that Daniel has gone.

Oh. Well, ladies and gentlemen, I guess we’ll just have to wait for the skateboard in the face comedy moment. See you later for more from the Jack and Daniel Comedy Spectacular Guide to Girls.

He grins inanely at the audience. Makes a farting noise with his tongue.

Blackout

Scene 3
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